Outrageous State Laws

First appeared in Divine Caroline

I’ve never claimed to have extensive knowledge of U.S. legislation throughout history, but it’s safe to say that I and most people I associate with are law-abiding citizens … or not. As it turns out, every state in this country has at least one wacky legal stipulation that could land residents in hot water if they don’t comply. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Alabama

It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Alaska

Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.

Arizona

Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.

Arkansas

It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.

California

You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.

Colorado

It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).

Connecticut

A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.

Delaware

It’s illegal to get married on a dare.

Washington, D.C.

It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.

Florida

If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.

Georgia

It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.

Hawaii

All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.

Idaho

A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.

Illinois

It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).

Indiana

The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415.

Iowa

One-armed piano players must perform for free.

Kansas

It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).

Kentucky

Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.

Louisiana

Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.

Maine

If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.

Maryland

It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).

Massachusetts

No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.

Michigan

A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

Minnesota

It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).

Mississippi

Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).

Missouri

Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.

Montana

It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

Nebraska

Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.

Nevada

It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.

New Hampshire

It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

New Jersey

It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

New Mexico

Females may not appear unshaven in public.

New York

While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.

North Carolina

It’s against the law to sing off-key.

North Dakota

It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio

You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.

Oklahoma

It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.

Oregon

State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.

Pennsylvania

It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.

Rhode Island

You may not bite off another person’s leg.

South Carolina

If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.

South Dakota

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.

Tennessee

Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.

Texas

You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

Utah

It is illegal not to drink milk.

Vermont

Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Virginia

Tickling a woman is unlawful.

Washington

It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.

West Virginia

If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.

Wisconsin

Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.

Wyoming

Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.

This Court Is Adjourned

Whew! With all this legislation, it’s a wonder we’re not all sharing a prison cell right now. Granted, something tells me the Los Angeles Police Department has bigger fish to fry than popping people who dare to eat oranges while bathing, and that most people who saw me catching some shut-eye on top of a fridge in Pennsylvania wouldn’t call the cops on me, but you never know when you might come across that rare whistle-blower who wants you persecuted to the fullest extent of the law, so it’s probably better to be safe than sorry. The next time I tie up my elephant at a parking meter in Florida, I’ll be sure to bring a pocket full of quarters.